Sunday, March 2, 2014
God hit my heart hard today.
God hit my heart hard today just like he did 7 years ago during my senior year of high school. Only this time I'm not running. At the end of my senior year it was put on my heart to go into leadership of a ministry called Young Life. Young Life is a huge youth ministry which I was a part of. I was ready to put my heart and soul into becoming a Young Life leader. But as it happen I ran, I ran from what I had felt God was calling me to do. I went to college, got sucked into a life style of partying, a boyfriend and all around not the life I was so sure God had in mind for me. I ran and kept running. I tucked my beliefs in my back pocket until the day I was forced to dig deep into not just my back pocket but my heart when I meet my husband and became pregnant with my first son Nolan. I started going back to church, slowly started to dig a little further every day until today when I reached the bottom and cried and cried and cried when realizing what I had truly done. I knew this day was coming months ago when I felt jealous the day my husband told me he felt that God was calling him into the ministry to become a music minister. I was extremely happy for him but still felt a little sting in my heart. Now this isn't an easy thing to admit and even today as I was talking to my husband about it I felt dumb for ever feeling that way but I also think it was my way of telling my self "God wants him not me". Something I now know is wrong. I am still not sure where or what God wants me to do. But for now I am going to be the loving, supporting wife that my husband needs me to be during this journey of his and I know God will lead the way for me as well. I do know now that I am ready to jump and ask how high when the time comes. If that means moving my family across the county then so be it. I am done running. I am done fighting. My heart is open and listening for what God has in store for my family. I do believe what ever his plan, it's that Jared and I are meant to do it together.